You surprised me today, in a way that I didn't expect you to. The hideously excessive peach blush and dripping shiny lip gloss exaggerated each emotional wrinkle, instead of covering up fatigue. It started with the upper lip, that was curled up at all times throughout the photo-shoot at an inordinate attempt to assume the shape of a laugh. At times, the left eyebrow raised involuntarily, giving away the disbelief felt by its owner for laughing. Then its right-sided partner drew it together comically to a breakpoint, and released it at the apex of neurosis to gather in the rest of the forehead, exposing for just a fraction of a second, an exhausted and uncoordinated face.
I already knew that I had invited myself to be scrutinized by the camera and the make-up artist, to walk in completely unprepared. That was part of the plan, and what an effective plan it turned out to be. In NY, there was no one to please or to worry about offending, and yet, I was still pretending. It would have been impossible to see myself that clearly even in front of a mirror.
It started with T's idea. He said that you could not feign something unless you completely believed in it. So I tried to change perspective. Deep down I had suspected that it doesn't happen that easily. It's written all over the faces of the elders that I work with everyday. Their laughs, uneasy and insecure, as well as T's occasionally boisterous, and always brave jokes that remind me that they're really lying about many things. They con themselves to believe that they have accepted death as God's gift to man, and yet they work their way up the ladder in order to be able to rush past the semi-drawn curtains when the relatives are sobbing away their loved one's last minutes. There are other benefits to the higher rungs of the ladder. It buys the red wine cabinets and positions for their kids in upscale schools that convince them that their attempts at marriage and family have been successful. Being at the pedestal of the ivory tower also gives you the apparent license to torture each other and all those struggling at the bottom who question the limitations of science and of the themselves, just like they do. The only time that they are true, are when they use their unsolicited powers to torture us with their monsters.
T is really the only person who is almost completely true to himself and to us. His often desperate and occasionally inappropriate attempts to challenge our reasoning for with-holding treatment shows us that he believes life should be cherished all the way. His refusal to marry again to his love of ten years was based on his interpretation of the socially-defined marriage. He didn't pretend to be open when he found cigarettes and the pill in his daughter's schoolbag, but unlike most people I know, he told her calmly that he had made it his life mission to prevent and cure a horrific disease that was the poster child for anti-smoking campaigns, and that although the pill does prevent babies, it doesn't prevent STDs. He let his emotions come out afterwards with his friends though, but he did himself proud. At the pinnacle of his career, he is the only senior in our wards that would walk voluntarily over to the bed where death is claiming hold, to offer his scientific and emotional stronghold.
Then again, that's where the line was. T would not talk to you if he didn't want to and didn't have to. T would not pretend to be laugh or smile if he wasn't up to it. If he was upset, he would just swear quickly and quietly (if it was allowed). He knew the universal jokes, but he never laughed about them himself. T never told me that he was good at what he did because he wanted to save lives, he enjoyed the competition and the challenge. He would never pretend to like anyone, but he could like some of the things that they had achieved. He realized that he wanted to go to Africa because he wanted to prove he could do it, even if just for a week. He didn't say that he helped anyone. He would not hesitate for a moment to criticize bad food or bad design. He would not let go of a chance of make fun of you if he could get away with it. It comes across sometimes that he is egotistic and self-centered, but now I realize how genuine it is. It's impossible to please everyone without being a hypocrite and driving yourself to point of madness. But it is possible to be constructive when you are sane and know your cards.
I think I could do that too. Achieve real lightness of being. New perspectives will come with observation and reflection. For starters, I will tell anyone who takes my photo not to make me laugh.
